Um, is it weird to post twice, like right in a row? Too bad, I'm doing it.

Today, I was talking to Patrick today about being an artist. BARF. I know. We're a bunch of douches. But it's kind of great.

I am really grateful to have a passion. Passions? Passion. Like an ocean, filled up with the creepy deep-sea creatures that make up my soul.

I've been talking to several people lately, and saw a show on Broadway that made me realize that for a lot of people, part of becoming an adult is when your childhood dies, and you settle. As horrifying as it sounded to me, I realized that a lot of us do it, there really is no shame in it, but heavens to Betsy am I glad that I have found my passion. And maybe a little bit scared?

Sometime in this past week, I was in one of my I'm-sitting-somewhere-staring-off-dramatically-thinking-deep-thoughts-probably-on-the-floor (a lot of my thinking happens on the floor, apparently) moments, and I realized that most people of the adult world have a life direction with foreseeable progress.

I don't. In fact, I have to come to terms with the fact that I may be in the same place financially for the rest of my life. And level of success- from an external view, but let's not pretend that isn't a thing. I may be a snobby artist, but it's not all just about expressing myself and creating just for me. It's not that I'm not selfish, in fact it's probably that I'm even more selfish than that. Which is another thing we discussed.

I want attention. But don't get me wrong. Not just any attention. If I wanted that, I'd just go streaking at major landmarks, and crashing trashy television shows. There is a really strong stigma about wanting attention, so I think that a lot of people are afraid to admit it, and talk about it as part of their drive.

Especially artists. I can't speak for all artists, but I'm definitely not alone in that I want to be heard, I want what I do to be seen, and I want validation for it. Maybe it's an ego thing, but I think there's more to it. There's a connection that is made between artist and audience that is so incredibly satisfying and fulfilling, that I know I will never be able to not do it. I have tried corporate jobs, more financially stable positions, all of it, but I know for the rest of my life, I will endlessly be drawn to the moment where someone understands and appreciates the weird things that I do, because those things are what I understand and appreciate. It's like being lost in a foreign country, and coming across someone who finally speaks your language.

Also, part of what intrigues me most as an artist is human nature. We all have those deep, dark little monsters in us that make up who we are. Selfishness, stupidness, laughing at someone when they fall down... It's all there, and I don't want to ignore it. There's something great and healthy about being able to just laugh at ourselves and just how dumb we are every day. It's part of being human. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

This was so much longer than I thought it would be. Kudos and thank you to anyone who made it this far. I'm going to add some pictures so it's not so boring. Also, here is a shameless selfie of myself (um, is there any other kind of selfie? great job, me) because I like this hat.